The Dog Cribs about Home Food

Okay, so it’s not like I don’t like home cooked food or anything. I just loathe it. I loathe the site of it, I loathe the smell of it and I loathe the sheer thought of it. Every meal, every day, through out the year, I’m expected to eat Dog food. Now seriously Mr. Aggarwal, you try eating packed, stale and tasteless food twice a day, 14 times a week and 730 times an year and still not be cranky all the time. You know what he said to me the other day? “Are you cribbing about stuff on your stupid blog again? Get a life, dog!” I really have a lot to say about him right now but more about him later.. I have Pedigree and Dal-Roti to crib about.

So the other day the owner’s son decided to experiment with my diet and gave me Dal and Roti and being a Dal-Roti virgin, I was pretty excited about it. 5 minutes into eating that crap and I was throwing up all over the house. WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH DAL? Why is it so yellow? *Shivers*. The next day, I was a guinea pig. Not literally, but you know what I mean. So, I was given some sort of green shit and rice. I didn’t mind the rice much but that green-sticky-pureed-oily-irritating-fluid really gave me the chills. It was poorly cooked and if someone like Gordon Ramsay would have eaten it, we would be deprived of a great chef.

The owner’s wife is officially good at nothing. Why can she not make a pizza and chocolate cake everyday? She gets all these colorful vegetables from the market and then turns them into pathetic tasting food that no one likes to eat. There was this one particular week when they persisted on making me eat dal. What was the consequence? I went on a hunger strike (Not really. Thanks to dumpsters where you get delicious chicken bones for free!).

I’m thinking of invading a fast food joint. Something like a Domi-Donalds. When I’ll be the King of Domi-Donalds, I’ll make the chefs there cook absolutely amazing food every passing day and I’ll never look at home cooked food again. Let’s grow the nails and sharpen the teeth. Mc. Donalds and Dominoes, beware. A dog is on the loose.

Tushar K. Aggarwal